Yesterday I was cooking dinner when my husband came home. As he went through the door, I thought about how I should go over and greet him with a smile and hug–an idea that had been put in my head a while ago (and was a practice I thought sounded nice and I should strive for). But, I was in the middle of cooking and it wasn’t practical to put down what I was doing. Instead I was left to feel guilty because I couldn’t do that. 

Then Haru came over to me. 

He greeted me with a hug and a smile and said it was so good to see me. He thanked me for making dinner. 

My heart felt full. I felt happy and loved. I also felt surprised. Wasn’t I supposed to be the one greeting him after his long hours of work? But, it felt so nice to be the one to be greeted and shown affection. 

This moment stayed with me and in the back of my thoughts. 

Later that night I spoke to Haru. I brought up how I appreciated how he’d greeted me when he came home. I then shared how I felt like I was the one who was supposed to do that and I’d never even given thought to the idea that I could be sought out and greeted kindly when he came home–that it wasn’t just my job to do that for him. 

Why had it never occured to me that I was worthy of also being treated like that? I’m not 100% sure, but I think it has to do with my upbringing, the things I was taught, and what I was shown to value. Growing up I remember a song we’d sing in primary that had these lines, “I’m so glad when daddy comes home. Glad as I can be.” The song then proceeds to talk about jumping up on his knee and giving him what? A great big kiss. It was about greeting the father when he came home. Of course, this was from the child’s perspective. I think It still put the idea in my head that he was the one who needed to be greeted. Again, I think this is a good thing to do and I’m not saying that children or a wife shouldn’t. 

I think it might have been in one of my classes in college that the distinct practice of the wife greeting the husband with enthusiasm home from work was brought up. I love Haru. This sounded like a great idea. Of course I wanted him to feel loved and like home was a safe place for him. This was a way to do that. 

But, it was hard in practice. I kept having long days, being tired by the time he got home, and feeling like I was failing whenever I couldn’t show him happiness, love, and enthusiasm. Even though I never voiced how I felt bad about this, I think it was eating away at me. It felt like I was failing in my role.

Wait, role? Yes, I think that is partly how I thought of it in my head: I am the wife and person who stays at home with our son, so things like that are part of my role. Growing up I’ve heard so many things about roles that I haven’t batted an eye at this sort of thing. I just never thought to. But…what if I don’t have to think of it as my role. I associate “role” with “obligation”, so in other words, is it my obligation to do that? Is that why I felt like I was failing? What if it that and other things I’ve associated with my ‘role’ don’t have to be? What if together Haru and I can find things that work for us and just feel good about what we can do, not what we aren’t? That idea feels freeing to me. 

It was so rejuvinating to be the one who was sought out and greeted. Before this moment I had recently been successful a few times at greeting him home with a smile and meaningful hug and had made a conscious effort to do so. Perhaps this put it in his mind? And he is a good enough person to think that I deserve that kind of treatment as well, even if I myself hadn’t thought of that? Whatever the case, it was so nice that he did that for me. It let me feel what it could be like to be shown that. It also helped me see things differently–it helped me see myself differently. 

I’m so grateful for a husband that treats me better than I even have thought I should be treated. It reminds me of how even small things like this can mean a lot. I think it could continue to be good for me to think about ‘role’ and what really should fall into that category, if anything. Do I have to expect myself or my spouse to do a certain thing, just because of gender/expectations associated with what we do (provide/stay at home parent) that I was told I should have? I’m not so sure about that. Especially considering how freeing it feels to shed that idea. I’m not saying that I am going to get rid of my goal to greet Haru when he comes home, but I don’t have to feel bad when I don’t have the energy and I don’t think anyone should expect me to do that (including myself). I like to think of it as a nice thing that I can do to show love when I’m able to. Not something I have to do. I think that doing so, shows more respect to myself, something I know I need to work on doing.