If someone were to come up to you and tell you directly that they intend to change your mind about something, what would be your first instinct? Is it cynical for me to think that for most people, it would be something like “Good luck…” or “Umm… No…” or even “What’s your problem? Who do you think you are?” The idea of someone deliberately trying to change us can feel invasive, not respecting boundaries, or even arrogant and haughty.

For many, there seems to be a negative reaction to the feeling of being “preached to”. It can feel like the preacher thinks that they’re better than us or knows more than us. It can feel patronizing and condescending. We can feel like we’re being talked down to, like our beliefs, traditions, and values aren’t respected. In a nutshell, it seems like it’s human nature to react to strong opposing beliefs aimed in our direction with comparable resistance and displeasure. It’s not that we’re totally against people trying to influence us, but it needs to be subtle and gentle in a way that lets us keep our pride and feel like in the end, it’s our idea to change.

I always thought it was interesting in the Book of Mormon how many of the prophet-heroes had absolutely no tact. Nephi, Abinadi, Moroni, etc. They were all so quick to call people wicked and exhort them to repentance. I’m sure none of those people they preached to would ever have gotten a holier-than-thou vibe… 🙄 If there’s anything I think Joseph Smith did well in the Book of Mormon, it’s the reaction of people to being preached to— Them hardening their hearts and feeling antagonized by those who were calling them wicked and trying to change them.

I’ve noticed that this feeling seems especially potent among tribal boundaries. People are far less likely to feel antagonized when preached to by someone they already agree with and respect than someone who holds opposing views. Similarly, how to regard information sourced within the tribe vs without is viewed differently. Someone who rejects external influences and holds onto tribal values is steadfast and resilient. Someone on the outside that rejects the tribe’s influences is viewed as stubborn and dense. These are the exact same characteristics but have a different connotation depending on how an influence is viewed by the tribe.

I’ve been coming to believe that for some, the largest factor that influences their beliefs and choices is not necessarily what logically makes sense. It’s not even what will bring them the greatest pleasure or help them avoid the most pain. It seems to be mostly focused around one’s identity and self-image. People will reject comfort and peace for their pride. It’s not because they’re evil and don’t want to be happy, but because their sense of identity is more important to them than happiness.

Since discovering the LDS church wasn’t what I believed it to be, I’ve hated it. It’s not because the church is any more evil or destructive than many other organizations that exist in the world. It’s because by losing my belief in the church, I lost my identity. I lost my culture. I lost my tribe. Sure I’m still welcome to join certain functions. I’m not explicitly outcast and shunned. However, I’ve lost respect and credibility. I’ve lost empathy and relatability. I’ve lost shared context such as beliefs and values which to me, were far more binding than congenital ties.

Many people in the LDS church have heard the mantra “They can leave the church, but they can’t leave it alone”. I read a very good response to this statement in this article. Really though, I’ve started to understand that I’m at a crossroad in my life. I can choose to move on from being hurt by the church, but only by choosing to move on from my old tribe as well. I don’t want to be part of a tribe that ignores me when I say things that make them uncomfortable or that they deem offensive. I don’t want to be part of a tribe that patronizes me or will tolerate me, but simply feels like I’m deceived or in other ways inferior. I don’t want to be part of a tribe that only wants the “happy” me.

There is much more to me than my venting blog posts on the deceptiveness and absurdities of Mormonism. I’m an artist and an engineer. I’m an explorer. I’m a father. I love to sing and dance. Some people seem to want to see that part of me. But there exists a wall that keeps me from wanting to share myself with those who now feel like strangers.

First and foremost, I identify as a truth seeker. I haven’t always been this way. I chose to identify as such soon before leaving Mormonism. It was choosing to identify as such which allowed me to leave. Instead of trying to get to the conclusion my tribe told me I was “supposed” to get to, I chose to find the conclusion that made the most logical sense. I chose to examine the shelf I had been putting things on that were creating cognitive dissonance. I chose to be vulnerable and risk giving up everything that gave me security. I chose a hard path.

When I was a believing member, I considered myself faithful and steadfast. Now I look back on my past self as being stubborn and proud. I no longer seek to please authority, but to discover and promote the truth. The results of my choice have continued to define me. I am no longer the same person I was growing up. I’ve changed, for better and for worse. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve gained much and I’ve lost much, and I’m finally getting close to being ready to let go of my past.