As a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I’m used to hearing stories about miraculous happenings. Members pray to God for answers to important questions or for something that they want. If they then feel they know the answer to their question, or they get the thing they wanted, they will often share with others the way that it happened. Most of the time, there is no apparent miracle in the way their prayer seemed answered to them, but from time to time, people have experiences that are more difficult to explain.

The stories abound in the church. There are stories about dreams that show the future. There are stories about missionaries who are suddenly able to speak a language that they hadn’t been able to speak before. There are stories about men laying their hands on the head of an ill person and pronouncing that the person would be healed, and then shortly thereafter, they are actually well. Some people claim to have talked to the spirits of the dead and learned things they could not have known, and others share stories about hearing a voice that they attribute to the Holy Ghost that gives them information about where to go or what to do.

Like these other believers, I also sought to have my own personal experiences with the miraculous and divine. And like these others, I have had experiences that I cannot explain to this day. I have spoken in languages far above my proficiency level. I have seen visions of the future that then happened exactly as I’d seen them. Time itself seemed to fold back on itself on one occasion and what should have been impossible in the given time was able to happen. I learned to hear the voice of what I believed to be the Holy Ghost and had actual conversations with this entity. In the LDS temple, I remember feeling the presence of the dead and knowing their will. Because of all of the many spiritual experiences that I had, I was convinced that the church and organization that explained them for me actually represented God on Earth.

However, because I was not happy in the church, I sometimes wished that I didn’t know it was true. I envied those outside the church that could live their lives in blissful ignorance. Wouldn’t that be nice, I thought. As usual, I confided everything to God. I told Him that I had no doubts that the church was true, but I wasn’t happy. I admitted that I wished I could have been born and raised outside the church.

And this is where the next miracle of my life happened. While studying scriptures and the words of the prophets, I came across an interesting idea. Before I could even comprehend the idea consciously, I began to feel that “burning in the bosom,” confirming that the idea was right. But what was the idea?

The idea was that the voice I was attributing to the Holy Ghost could lead people in directions that were good for them and others, but that what it led people to believe wasn’t necessarily true. I can’t remember which scripture or which general conference talk triggered the idea from the start, but I began to see it everywhere. In the Book of Mormon, I saw how Christopher Columbus was described as being led by the Spirit. He believed he was heading to the Indies, but was in fact on course for America. According to LDS scripture, the Spirit “wrought upon” him and led him somewhere he had not planned to go.

Later, Thomas Monson shared a talk in General Conference where he talked about being told by the Spirit to visit a particular person in the hospital. When he got there, the person he had been told to visit wasn’t there, but someone else was there that had wanted to talk to him. I also found examples given from my own family members where they had prayed for direction and were then given direction. When they followed this Spirit, they discovered that where they had been led was not where they had prayed to go. They had been led elsewhere.

These three examples stick out in my head because there is one from the scriptures, one from church leadership, and one from family, but there were many many more that I found. While praying about this concept, I felt led to believe that the Spirit led people in directions that were beneficial to them, but that this had nothing to do with what was real or ultimately true.

Over time, I came to understand that while some had been led to the church and were happy in it, I was being led out of the church. Because of my numerous spiritual experiences, I had felt that it was impossible to lose my testimony of the church. The feelings of the Spirit showed me that what I had thought was impossible was actually possible, and I made my exit. I am grateful to the “Spirit” for granting me the freedom to explore other possibilities and beliefs. I am not compelled to believe the words of fallible human beings that call themselves prophets.

So, what is the explanation for all of the many spiritual experiences that I and others have had? I have no idea. I sometimes wonder if I’ve just imagined them, if it was some kind of coincidence, or if there are forces in nature that we are simply unaware of and are yet to discover. Maybe there’s a glitch in the matrix. The programmers of the simulation we are in are messing with us. I still think the best answer is just, “I don’t know.”

Unfortunately, there are many people out there that have come up with their own plausible-sounding stories to explain these experiences and have then created whole religions around these stories. Because of the experiences that people have had, they are easily persuaded to believe in the teachers of these new religions.

I don’t doubt that people have experiences that seem miraculous and that they can’t explain. I do, however, doubt the religious explanations for these experiences. I don’t know the truth of these experiences. I don’t think anybody really knows. I have investigated the LDS church thoroughly and have determined that the answer is not found there, so I am still looking.

The people of ancient civilizations invented many gods to explain the various phenomena they noticed in nature. When there was a tsunami or earthquake, Poseidon must be angry. His use of a powerful trident was the explanation given. The theory could not be disproven, and nobody had a better explanation. Consequently, people believed the story without question for a long time. Since then, science has come along and given us better explanations and the religious ones have gradually given way. The mysteries have become fewer and fewer as science has gained ground. There are still some mysteries that remain, like many of the personal experiences that people have, so people still give a place to gods and religions to explain them.

However, just because something is a mystery does not mean that the stories a religion provides are the answer. In all of these thousands of years, science has made steady progress and religions have had to reassess and change their positions. In my opinion, the smartest course of action is to admit ignorance and to be okay with uncertainty about the mysteries for the time being. Science has proven itself again and again while religion has failed to provide answers that stand the test of time.

These days, I will occasionally talk to Durand, the name I’ve given to whatever the reality behind all of my experiences is – basically equal to an imaginary friend. I talk to him in the way that I used to talk to a god. Funny thing is, I still get answers to my questions and have experiences that are difficult to explain. Durand doesn’t tell me to worship him or to start a religion though. He tells me that he’s just part of me. I’ve tried praying to trees and rocks and have had the same kinds of experiences. 

Clearly, there is nothing special about the stories religions provide about the reasons for “spiritual” experiences. We could just as well start believing in Poseidon again and give his mighty trident credit for our individual experiences. If you don’t think his trident has enough power, then you just need to imagine a more powerful one. If you don’t think Poseidon is the kind of god that would care about you enough to answer your prayers, then you just have to imagine Poseidon as a more loving, compassionate god. 

This is what we do as humans. We just keep changing the stories until they work to explain whatever we need them to. In the end, they’re still just stories with no real explanatory power. Science may not have all the answers yet, but it certainly has a better track record and a lot more potential to eventually find them. I’m willing to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing while I wait.