I’ve wondered what could have made my faith crisis easier. In the moment of having it, I remember trying to figure out what I craved and needed, but struggled to come up with anything besides to not feel so miserable. I just knew I felt alone, terrified, depressed, confused, and heartbroken. I craved to be understood, but I didn’t feel like the very person who should understand me, my husband, could. He too was going through a faith crisis, but he’d chosen to do it and I felt like dragged me along for the ride. To me, he had wanted this and I didn’t. I now see it isn’t as black and white as that, but in the moment of my pain, it could feel very black and white. 

I cried so much in front of him and he often seemed so stoic (he brought up a lot of logic that felt emotionless to me, though I later learned he feared to show his own emotion and thought that would make things worse). I remember a few times when he showed vulnerability and admitted he felt some loss and felt scared. It took some effort to get to that point and that’s when I learned he’d been afraid to show that before. Hearing him admit those feelings helped me feel more understood. In those moments, I felt more connection. 

Recently I watched a Mormon Stories interview of two millennials. I learned that both of them went to BYU Idaho, like me. They thought the school was great. Despite the strict rules it has, like me, that didn’t bother them so much. Instead, their experiences were mostly positive. 

I really related to Tanner (one of the speakers) because he grew up in the church and said he always gave the church 100% and wanted to be the best Mormon that he could. Growing up, I felt all in and loved the church. I felt like I gave it 100%. I always paid attention in classes, commented, memorized all the scripture mastery, only missed one day of seminary (an early morning religious class for high school students), read my scriptures, prayed, paid tithing, etc. I looked at life through the lense of the Gospel and made my decisions based on it. I felt great doing this and I didn’t question. 

If I’m remembering correctly a friend asked Tanner while he was in college a question about Joseph Smith and polygamy. Tanner loved studying about the church and decided to use this questions for him to learn more. So, he began his research by using church approved sources. I believe it was this that started cracking away at his faith. He started to learn some surprising things. This got him to look at other topics. He still kept to sources the church would approve of. He felt like his world was starting to fall out from under him. 

Tanner tells about how desperately he wanted the church to be real, but the more he learned, the harder it became to believe like he once had. He talks about a point where he tried ‘clearing’ his slate and looking at things from a different perspective. This didn’t really work. He eventually got to a point where he believed the church had gone through an apostasy. He still clung to it as much as he could and researched for hours on end every day. It sounded like his research was intense. 

There were times when he broke down and had a hard time coping. I really related to this. I remembered my own times when I broke down and didn’t know how to handle what I was hearing. 

Tanner still believed in God for a while, even as his faith in the LDS church got chipped away. He still relied on studying what was originally taught in the gospel to help him know if doing things slightly different would be okay. 

Knowing how much Tanner struggled and wanted to believe, really struck me. It helped me feel not so alone.

In the end, Tanner and his friend Sam (who also ended up going through a faith crisis and stopped believing after struggling to make sense of it and wanting it to be true) are okay. They said it was really hard, but worth it. They were very encouraging. After some reflection, I realized this is what I craved. I craved in the moment of my pain to know that there were others out there who had wanted to believe, hadn’t really felt like they’d chosen to lose their faith, didn’t want to lose faith in the gospel, but had. I then craved to know they were okay and not permanently crippled by that. I believe that this is the kind of message I needed to hear then that could have made going through my faith crisis easier. 

I wish that in the moment of my pain, I would have been able to reach out. I only found Mormon Stories because of a kind friend who mentioned it to me after Haru had come out as losing his faith and she’d reached out to me to see how I was doing. She then continued to read what we were sharing and later suggested that to me. I’m so grateful she did. 

I can’t change the past, but I can work to try to change the future. I can take courage from stories like this and I can try to make them available to others just in case they are in pain and this could help them. 

If you are interested in seeing these interviews, here are the links. 

Mormon Stories #573: Losing Mormon Millennials Pt. 1 
Mormon Stories #574: Losing Mormon Millennials Pt. 2