A close friend of mine was nice and shared a song with me. I listened to it and youtube kept playing songs once it finished. From the sounds of it, they were Christian. It reminded me of how much I’d loved songs like this and how they could inspire me. As I listened, I still loved the melody and how it was meant to have a positive message. A part of me felt a little loss, though, at not being able to connect in the same way anymore.  

But, then, another song started playing. I found myself just listening and feeling. It was “I Am Not Alone” by Kari Jobe. The entire song sounded beautiful, but this message that was repeated mostly made me think:

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

“I am not Alone” By Kari Jobe

There had been times in my life where I craved this message and sought after it. I’d desperately prayed to be understood by God and Christ and to feel Their love. Though I can’t say I often felt anything, there were a couple times (one in which sparked writing the testimony I shared in one of my blogs) where I felt like I may have gotten an answer that I wasn’t alone. That had felt wonderful.

In my darkest moments, my faith crisis, I no longer had the belief in not being alone because of God as a crutch–though I tried to use it and still clung to any shred of hope that God was real and who I’d been taught He was. But, it kept slipping away. And, I never felt comfort. I didn’t feel any resounding “You are not alone, I am here,” no matter how much I pleaded to God. Instead, I felt utterly alone. It was awful. 

Feeling alone and questioning everything, I wondered if I would ever not feel alone again. Was I just doomed to that misery? I wondered how anyone could understand what I went through. I wasn’t like my husband and his brother who had sought to find these answers on their own. It wasn’t my choice. In my mind, those who normally lost their faith had a little more say than I did–a thought that made me feel even more alone. 

I realized something wonderful, though, as I listened to that song. I didn’t feel loss. I didn’t feel sad that I no longer had that belief. 

Instead of imagining God as I listened to those words, I saw humanity. I saw how far we have come. I saw all of those reaching out to spread awareness for the problems in the world. I saw people willing to sacrifice for each other. I saw the positive videos that have shown up on my Facebook page promoting being a good person and being there for others. I saw the messages spread on Facebook to bring awareness to mental problems and encouraging good ways to be there for those with them. 

As I listened to that song, I felt connection–connection to everyone around me. I realized I didn’t feel alone like I thought I would because of humanity and the good within it. I thought about how it may be hard to find the right connections, but they are out there. After sharing more of how I felt to others, a friend introduced me to a group with people more similar to me. I don’t feel so alone now. There are people who care and are even brave enough to share their stories online to try to let others out there know they aren’t alone. I’m so grateful for this. I’m so grateful for the comfort that gives me. I realized I’m not alone, because as long as I don’t shut everyone out, I believe there are good people who do care and don’t want to leave me alone. 

Yes, I know that there is also bad out in the world. I know that even those trying to do good mess up sometimes. I know that I have. But, what matters to me is so many are trying. I’m inspired by that. I hope that I can add to that good in the world. Whatever the case, I am grateful for the connection I feel to others. I believe that good comes from within us, not religion, the bible, or church, or any other source. That gives me hope.